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Can We Just Talk About Riverdale?

March 6, 2017

 

I'm not going to lie, I was pretty sure I was going to hate this show. Not just dislike it, but you know, H-A-T-E hate it. And not because I'm some diehard fan of the comics, but mostly because I couldn't imagine how anybody was going to make the Archie Comics from my childhood dark and sexy. I mean, I vaguely remember the cartoon. Betty and Veronica fighting over Archie. Jughead playing this dopey character. None of this screamed CW. 

 

However, when it comes to CW shows, I have created what I like to call The Vampire Diaries Rule. What is that you might ask? Do you remember the cheesetastic first six episodes of TVD? They must have bought out every fog machine in Georgia. Also all the diary voiceovers and references. Elena writing in her journal in an actual graveyard with a raven? We get it. There are vampires and diaries no need to beat us over the head with it. 

 

Despite this, I stuck it out for two reasons: one, because I love the original book series by L.J. Smith (yes, I am old enough to have bought them in the bookstore new) and two, because Ian Somerhalder's snarky one liners are my everything. Long story short, six episodes in, they got their shit together and it has become one of my favorite shows. And thus, The Vampire Diaries Rule was born. I now give every CW show at least six episodes before I determine that I hate it. (Except Shadowhunters, I didn't make it through two episodes of that...but that's a story for a whole other blog entry) 

 

I'm now six episodes into Riverdale and here are the random thoughts I've had while watching: 

 

SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ PAST THIS LINE IF YOU AREN'T CAUGHT UP

 

  1. Oooh, who shoots this show? It's gorgeous! Everything is so saturated and deep, like some Baz Lurman meets Twin Peaks meets Pleasantville fever dream. I want to live in this cinematography. 

  2. Oh, hello creepy redheads. They are like the ginger Barbie and Ken I wished I had as a kid. 

  3. Really, the Blossom twins? Of course that's their last name. Bet they're rich too. 

  4. Ginger boy has dead guy written all over him. 

  5. Are the Blossom Twins supposed to be giving off this Game of Thrones twincest vibe or is that an accident? 

  6. Also, I think they are a little old to be color coordinating their outfits. 

  7. But Cheryl, honey, your red lipstick is on point. 10 points to Slytherin. 

  8. What's with all the redheads. Are they going to address that at some point? I mean, statistically speaking, that's weird.

  9. I know they deliberately misspelled chocolate on the diner sign but it still makes me cringe every. damn. time. 

  10. Wow, Betty's mom is a total bitch. 

  11. Veronica's brows equal #goals. 

  12. Is your father being a white collar criminal really a scandal in this day and age? 

  13. Hey, Luke Perry I see you. So happy you have an actual job.

  14. Archie legit looks like he could be Luke Perry's son, well, if Archie wasn't rocking his Fake Ginger by Feria look.

  15. I want their costume designer to come dress me every damn day. 

  16. Cheerleading. Sigh. Lame cheerleading. Bigger Sigh. 

  17. Veronica calling out Cheryl for being such a cliche but then trying to be friends but then back to enemies. You're losing me Riverdale. Do better.

  18. Holy shit is that Cole Sprouse? I don't remember him looking that cute. He might be the only person in the world who could pull off that hat and the fact that people call him Jughead without a bit of irony. 

  19. Oh, Betty, no. You do not want Archie, look at him. Just...no. Don't be that girl. 

  20. Wow, Betty's mom is still a total bitch but she's not wrong about Archie. He's a tool. I think Veronica's cool though.

  21. Why is it cool that boys bang their teachers as long as the teachers are sort of shy and spinsterly? Like, is that a thing that television shows just decided on because, ew, no. She is an adult. 

  22. Why does Archie look like a Real Doll version of a real person.

  23. Josie and the Pussycats. How on earth did they find a way to make that cool? I can't help it, I dig the cat ears. 

  24. I know Archie has red hair in the comics but nobody is buying that this kid is a natural redhead, especially when you can see the brow pencil on his skin where they tried to color match his brows. 

  25. Aw, I love that the Sheriff is totally cool with his gay son. Thanks for taking the high road, Riverdale. 

  26. Oh, wow this show is just drenched in political correctness and cheesy dialogue. It's okay, though, I'm totally here for it. 

  27. Wow, CW. It's nice to see that whether they're Black, White or Asian, football players are always misogynistic date rapey douchebags. Yay for diversity! Boo for stereotyping! 

  28. This dumbass really thought Betty wanted to go out with him after she created a lynch mob to try to take down the whole damn team? You deserve whatever happens to you, dickbag. 

  29. Oh, Betty and the girls team up to take down the football players with a cell phone video and...BDSM? Hello, 50 Shades of Uncomfortable. Yeah, I don't remember this part in the Saturday morning cartoons. 

  30. Betty, girl, you a little crazy, huh. Like, maybe she needs to loosen that ponytail just a bit cause it might be impeding the blood flow to her brain. Is this role playing or dissociative identity disorder? Does Betty even have a sister?

  31. Wow, Betty's mom is really such a bitch. Are there adults that act like this in real life? 

  32. Also, this biker gang is embarrassingly cliche'. I'm actually snickering to myself.

  33. Oh, but head biker guy looks like the dude from the movie Scream back in the day. What was his name? Oh, Skeet Ulrich. Yeah, he looks like Skeet Ulrich on steroids. Holy crap, that IS Skeet Ulrich. Lawd, I'm old. 

  34. Oh, hey that cute biker is totally DTF, Kevin. Get it! 

  35. Veronica's mom is shady pants. Hah. I knew it. Shady. Shady. 

  36. Oh, Skeet Ulrich is Jughead's daddy? Jughead lives in the drive in? Noooooo...

  37. Um, I'm so here for the Blossom's Flowers in the Attic aesthetic (look it up, kids). 

  38. Oh, well, I guess we know why Cheryl is such a heinous bitch. 

  39. Really, a talent show? Sigh. Okay. Why not. 

  40. Josie's a real diva. 

  41. Okay, so Archie is just going to bang his way through the female cast. He's so two dimensional. My eyes are rolling so hard here. 

  42. I feel like Veronica is going to get hella screwed by trying to help Archie. 

  43. Hah, frenemies. How very Gossip Girl. 

  44. Oh, how coincidental that Archie's dad needs the contract that Veronica's mom secretly controls. 

  45. I'm sorry but if I was Veronica's mom, I would have just forged my kids signature too but I wouldn't have even told her she was a board member. What kind of idiot puts their teen daughter on the board of a major corporation? She has a crush on Archie, clearly she makes poor life choices. 

  46. Ew, Josie's dad is an asshole. He should hang out with Betty's mom. 

  47. A Blossom family sleepover? #uncomfortable #creepy #run 

  48. Silk pajamas and pearls? Um, my childhood sleepovers suddenly feel very low budget.

  49. Oh, shocker. Polly isn't in a mental institution, she's in a creepy American Horror Story type nunnery. I'm calling secret baby. 

  50. Bam, nailed that shit. Creepy nuns = secret teen pregnancy. They're probably afraid the Blossom's would eat the baby. 

  51. Careful, Betty. Your sister got crazy eyes.  

  52. Wait, engaged and in love? Wasn't Jason just tallying up his points for banging Polly in the football team's creepy black book? Now he's trying to wife up? 

  53. Also, can we all just agree that Polly might be telling the truth but the crazy apple clearly didn't fall far from the crazy tree. 

  54. Damn, Mrs. Blossom is savage AF. I would have asked my brother to drown me before he ran off with his knocked up girlfriend. 

  55. Loving Josie and the Pussycats performance. Veronica CAN sing. I think? They look so cute. 

  56. Okay, Archie's performance was alright. 

  57. Oh, look, a car filled with clothing and drugs. Polly was telling the truth.

  58. Yes, Jughead, put your prints all over the drugs, its only evidence in a murder investigation.  

  59. The sheriff believed them. 

  60. Jughead kissed Betty. YASSSSSS!!!!! I'm definitely captaining this ship! Jughead > Archie all day. 

 

Okay, that was a jumbled up mess.

 

Final thoughts: For better or worse, I'm all in. I love this show, cheese and all. Stay tuned for more stream of consciousness thoughts about Riverdale. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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